If and when you are ordering you food or drink, please do not talk on your cell phone. If you do decide to talk on your phone while I try to get an order out of you, you are a douche. A massive, massive douche.

People just don't seem to get this concept through their puny, pea sized brains. It is extremely rude, and I might just have to go choke a child if you floutingly continue talking to the other waste of space on the end of the line.

There are quite a few different variables of cell phone talkers that order coffee:

How to determine your douchebags!

1. The "Uh-huh":
   
   Undeniably an asshole by any means. The repetition of "uh-huh" spewing from their mouth claws at the ears. If you don't have anything better to say, then hang up your phone and order something, damn it.
   
   
2. The Jackass:
   
   This person doesn't care wherever they are, they will shove aside the opinions of others to discuss whatever is on their mind. Here is an example:
   
   Me: Hi there, what can I get for you today?
   [No response from customer]
   Me: Excuse me?
   Customer: Hold on.
   [Extends index finger to indicate "hold on;" Continues conversation with friend on phone]
   So, Mary got Herpes from Steve?
   [Beat]
   And Syphilis?
   Me: Well, whenever you are ready --
   Customer: FINE!
   [Uses on hand to cover mouthpiece of phone]
   I want a Grande Mocha, double shot, non-fat, no whipping cream, please.
   [Goes back to phone conversation]
   Me: Okay ...
   
   
3. The Mother-with-Child:
   
   Here we have the mother, carrying her sobbing, attention deprived child in one arm, patting their back with the other thinking that this stupid notion will cure their kid, and talking insistently on the cell phone attached to their shoulder. My suggestion: drop the cell phone, or the baby. Either way, it'll do.
   
   
4. The Bluetooth Bearer:
   
   Seriously, you're not that cool. Get a life. ^[1]
   

On average, this is what people do. They get so wrapped up in their phone conversation that when someone interrupts their trite conversation, the customer then casts the "evil eye," which is not such an evil eye but a really awkward stare. We guess they just expect the barista to be apologetic for cutting across them. Realize that you're not doing anybody any good by doing jack shit.

So, if you happen to be standing in line, and you're on your phone, put it down for a second to talk to us. We will greatly appreciate it.

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1. Mainly it's Donald Douche.