Do not ask for extra Mocha in a Mocha.

For those that do not know what a Mocha is, let us explain.

History Lesson #2:

The exact date in which a Mocha was invented is beyond our comprehension, mainly because it's not that damn hard to make.

A Mocha is a form of a Latte, with a twist. A Latte is a drink that is composed up of 1/3 espresso shots and 2/3 steamed milk. The difference between a Mocha and a Latte is that in a Mocha, there is a shot (or pump, depending on the cafe) of chocolate sauce/syrup. You are even able to add whipped cream on top if you'd like.

We repeat. Do not order extra Mocha in a Mocha. If you say, "Give me some extra Mocha," you'll then be called an ignorant asshole and corrected with, "You mean extra chocolate."

You might then say, "Yes, extra chocolate." Note, what we said wasn't a question. We stated the facts: you wanted extra chocolate. There's no question mark in that sentence.

So, don't be a bitch about it. We're helping you out, so that way you're less as retarded.

When standing in line, do not stand directly behind the person in front of you. And when I say directly behind I mean three inches from their left shoulder. It's just creepy.

When you stand behind right behind someone, you're invading that "personal bubble" they have staked while standing in line. If you trepass that security boundary, I will not hold the person in front of you responsible if they go ape shit on your ass. Your problem, not mine.

Now this is where what I call the "Personal Bubble Effect" comes in. If you decide to stand too close to someone, they will in turn try to avoid you by stepping forward, ever so closer to the person in front of them, thus decreasing their personal bubble they claimed. This in essence turns into the Domino effect. It eventually reaches the front of the line, where the person in the front is squished into the counter.

Also, don't get too comfy with the people in line with you. They don't know you, and probably don't want to.

I was once standing in line, when I noticed a man in front of me. He had a shirt that bore the iconic Pep Boys on the front. When I was younger, I grew up near a Pep Boys store and seeing that shirt reminded me of that time. I mentioned the shirt, which he had not the slightest clue as to who the Pep Boys were and why I was notioning towards it. Suffice to say that would have been the end of the conversation, but the man continued on for 10 minutes about some complete bullshit about his life that I ignored.

Moral of the story, don't stand to close, or even talk to your neighbors in line.

If and when you are ordering you food or drink, please do not talk on your cell phone. If you do decide to talk on your phone while I try to get an order out of you, you are a douche. A massive, massive douche.

People just don't seem to get this concept through their puny, pea sized brains. It is extremely rude, and I might just have to go choke a child if you floutingly continue talking to the other waste of space on the end of the line.

There are quite a few different variables of cell phone talkers that order coffee:

How to determine your douchebags!

1. The "Uh-huh":
   
   Undeniably an asshole by any means. The repetition of "uh-huh" spewing from their mouth claws at the ears. If you don't have anything better to say, then hang up your phone and order something, damn it.
   
   
2. The Jackass:
   
   This person doesn't care wherever they are, they will shove aside the opinions of others to discuss whatever is on their mind. Here is an example:
   
   Me: Hi there, what can I get for you today?
   [No response from customer]
   Me: Excuse me?
   Customer: Hold on.
   [Extends index finger to indicate "hold on;" Continues conversation with friend on phone]
   So, Mary got Herpes from Steve?
   [Beat]
   And Syphilis?
   Me: Well, whenever you are ready --
   Customer: FINE!
   [Uses on hand to cover mouthpiece of phone]
   I want a Grande Mocha, double shot, non-fat, no whipping cream, please.
   [Goes back to phone conversation]
   Me: Okay ...
   
   
3. The Mother-with-Child:
   
   Here we have the mother, carrying her sobbing, attention deprived child in one arm, patting their back with the other thinking that this stupid notion will cure their kid, and talking insistently on the cell phone attached to their shoulder. My suggestion: drop the cell phone, or the baby. Either way, it'll do.
   
   
4. The Bluetooth Bearer:
   
   Seriously, you're not that cool. Get a life. ^[1]
   

On average, this is what people do. They get so wrapped up in their phone conversation that when someone interrupts their trite conversation, the customer then casts the "evil eye," which is not such an evil eye but a really awkward stare. We guess they just expect the barista to be apologetic for cutting across them. Realize that you're not doing anybody any good by doing jack shit.

So, if you happen to be standing in line, and you're on your phone, put it down for a second to talk to us. We will greatly appreciate it.

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1. Mainly it's Donald Douche.

Please do not use Starbucks' lingo. Many different coffeehouses, who aren't owned by Starbucks, do not use Starbucks' lingo. They aren't Starbucks, so don't expect them to understand what you say.

Multiple coffeehouses usually have the non-metric measurements for their drinks, such as Small, Medium and Large - which are 12, 16, and 20 ounces for those who don't know. If you decide to dick around and use the Starbucks' slang for those sizes - which are Short (8 oz.), Tall (12 oz.), Grande (16 oz.), and Venti (20 oz.) - I swear to God, I have to resist slamming your face against the coffee brewer.

And let's face it, you sound like a jackass every time you say it too.

Many people don't know where the names for the cup sizes originated. Well, let me shed some light.

History Lesson #1:
When I spent my days in coffee land, I had to deal with people who refuse to use the proper names. Y'see, I didn't work at Starbucks, but that didn't stop them from sticking with their already determined mind-set of what they believed to be the correct lingo. It wasn't.

Thing was, if they wanted to order a Venti Latter, I would then suggest that they saunter on over to the nearest Starbucks and shove a stick up their ass. And if you're curious where you can find the nearest Starbucks, so you can too shove a stick up your ass (if you say the wrong things), there's probably five within a two-mile radius.

Now, many people don't see a problem with using the incorrect names, but let me tell you this, it does get annoying, fast. I correct many of whom who use the lingo by saying "Small, Medium or Large?" hoping that it will sink in and dawn upon them that we are not Starbucks. There is a regular customer, "Donald Douche" as I call him, who does not understand that we are not Starbucks and thusly we do not have those sizes.

Quite some time ago, there were a few bitchy ladies that entered the store. They were rude, ugly, and complained that our coffeehouse was not a Starbucks yet, solely because we were owned by Starbucks.

Let's set the record straight. Starbucks will more than likely never switch most of the coffeehouses they've purchases, because Starbucks is economically wise. They are a monopoly. ^[1] They want to earn as much capital as possible. They maximized their profits by purchasing Seattle's Best, and multiple coffeehouses, and they plan on keeping those cafes the same. By removing the hundreds of cafes they've purchased, they will lose the valued customers who enjoy the different quality and taste that is not Starbucks. Some people hate Starbucks' taste, some love it.

Either way, I still don't give a shit, I don't drink coffee.

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^{1. In Economic terminology, this is not true. There are plenty of small coffee houses across the world. I chose to say that Starbucks is a monopoly because if you look around and try to find large coffee houses, you rarely see many. Starbucks is huge, let's put it as that.}