Starbucks has a very popular drink called a Frappuccino. What a Frappuccino is is just a blended drink. At Seattle's Best, we have something extremely similar, or as Red ^[1] says "Something better: a Javakula."

Well, I often, at least once a day have some stupid tard ask for a Frappuccino. We don't sell Frappuccinos at Seattle's Best. Sometimes I have someone who tries to be cool as says, "I would like one Frap, please." Besides not paying attention to what I just said, they used the word "Frap," which isn't even a word.

Besides selling coffee and being merged with a bookstore, we sell things called Dictionarys. I dare you to pick one up and look for the word Frap. It won't be there, just like gullable ^[2] won't. That's because they're not in the dictionary.

Just recently I had a little conversation with a woman which went as follows:

Woman: Do you have Frappuccinos?
Me: No, we have Javakulas.
Woman: What's the difference?
Me: Nothing really, only that we're not Starbucks.
Woman: Oh...can I get a Raspberry Latte? [Word-for-word, that is what she said.]
Me: Alright.

I made her drinks and handed them to her.

Woman: Oh, I wanted a Frappuccino.
Me: We don't have Raspberry Latte Frappuccinos ^[3], let alone Raspberry Javakulas.

The Javakulas that we serve are: Vanilla Coffee, Oreo Cookie, Creme Caramel and Chocolate.

There is no Raspberry Latte Javakula anywhere on the board, so I don't know how she got confused.

So, don't refer to a Frappuccino as a Frap. It's annoying. And make sure you're ordering the correct drink.

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1. Apart from being the oldest barista, Red is also a 3rd grade teacher. She literally sucks energy from other people, no offense Red, but any time I am near her, I begin to feel drained. There has been many occasions when my energy was high, and then a few minutes later, I felt tired. I blame this phenomenon on Red. Solely on her. She also likes to make fun of her eccentric students, especially "Wah-Wah-Walter."
2. The correct spelling is "gullible." The word is also written above the desk in the back of the cafe. No one knew of this until I mentioned it. And yes, I am the one who wrote it.
3. Doesn't exist. Just like an Iced Cappuccino doesn't exist.

Another favorite of mine, falling short of manners.

Do not ask for an "Iced Cappuccino." They do not exist. Period.

Sure Crayon tries to, once again, refute this with possibly a longwinded statement lacking any facts, but face it, it can't be done.

A Cappuccino is famous for being a expensive drink with a little payoff. A third of the drink is frothy milk foam. Many people do not understand that by ordering a Cappuccino, you're being ripped off, unless you like milk foam. There is also another way to order your Cappuccino. It is referred to as a "Wet Cappuccino," which is essence a Latte with some foam on top. A "Dry Cappuccino," is mostly milk foam, with a possibility of milk. Then there is the "Dry Bones," which is all foam.

I once had a woman order an Iced Cappuccino. I looked her straight in the eyes and said:

Me: Ma'am, that doesn't exist.
Woman: Excuse me?
Me: It doesn't exist. A Cappuccino is known for foam. There's no way to have foam in an iced drink. In order to produce frothy milk, you have to steam milk. Iced drinks don't have steamed milk in their ingredients. If I am to make an Iced Cappuccino, all I've made is an Iced Latte.
Woman: Oh...

Crayon of course says otherwise. Sure we can put some frothed milk on top of the iced drink, but then it's not an iced drink.

Wikipedia says this for an Iced Cappuccino:

"In the US, the term "iced cappuccino" (or cappuccino "Freddo") is somewhat of a misnomer since this drink's characteristic frothed milk is generally omitted in the iced variation. Without the frothed milk the drink is called an iced latte...International Coffee Houses' standards prohibit the preparation of hot milk foam over ice, since it is condusive to the rapid buildup of bacteria. It is possible to froth cold milk using various methods, and such preparation avoids the safety issues associated with hot foam and ice."

Like I said, it's not possible. Here's the most likely solution of what would occur if it could be done:


Now, we go here:


And this happens:


So long, human race.

At the condiment bar, there are two creamers [for your coffee], one labeled Non-Fat Milk and the other Half & Half.

For some reason, I don't know this happens, the simple application ^[1] of twisting open the top to said creamers escapes some people.

I've once had a woman approach the counter insisting that the Half & Half was empty. And to my horror, she was wrong. It wasn't empty, she just didn't open the lid.

So far, you should learn not to follow in this woman's footsteps. Just use your eyes and notice that if nothing's coming out of the creamers, it might not be empty. And also, if you are certain it is do not toss the creamer down on the counter and demand some more creamers. Just be a mature douche, alright?

Here's a pretty current example:

Earlier, Crayon and Panda ^[2] were working the cafe, there was an elderly couple ^[3] trying to place their order when out of nowhere comes this douche of a bag and cuts in front of wrinkle-sacks.

"He was ugly," recalls Crayon.

The man then asks what is the Coffe of the Day ^[4] was. He then receives a cup of said coffee and approaches the condiment bar.

After ten seconds he appears back at the counter, tossing down the creamers and chocolate shakers ^[5] saying "You're out of cream." Well no shit, Sherlock. You wouldn't be saying that if it wasn't.

He then goes, "I don't know what, but it seems like Seattle's Best is at the bottom of the barrel here." Oh yeah? And you're a fucking douche. Capiche?

Well, we've ^[6] made an accurate rendition of his profile.

So, be warned, if you see this man: DON'T serve him.

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1. I found a pretty good Physics equation that can be applied here. It's called Torque.
2. Here's a new person you get to meet. This is Panda. She's relatively new to the whole cafe scene, and I haven't really gotten to know the more devious side of her yet. But, so far I've noticed that she's cool. That's about it for the moment.
3. Have I ever mentioned how I dislike the elderly?
4. It was Henry's Blend.
5. The chocolate shakers are a pain in the ass too. I don't know how, but it doesn't matter who uses the sprinkles to be put on their drinks, they seem to have an epiletic seizure while doing so. There's sprinkly shit everywhere. No joke.
6. Crayon made a much better first draft. I did the second. Go Paint v. 5.0.

Do not touch the glass. Do not put your fingers, hands, face, lips, or whatever you feel necessary to do so on the glass.

No one likes cleaning the windows free from your filth.

If you are wanting something behind the glass, say the name. I've worked at the cafe for longer than a day, and I'm sure that if you start to say "Raspberry" I'll finish it up for you.

Also, don't point at the one you want. I'll get you the one I want you to have. It's really because I want the one you really want.

It's just cause you don't deserve to have it.

So, just don't touch the glass, m'kay? We're sure you don't want to have people touching your windows and having to clean them like this guy.

This could possibly go along with manners.

If we ask you how you are doing, it does not mean "What you want?" How are you is simply us asking how you are doing. Here is an example conversation of this:

Me: Hi, how are you?
Customer: Fine.

That's all. It should not go like this:

Me: Hi, how are you?
Customer: I want a Caffe Medici.

Besides confusing the hell out of me with what a Caffe Medici ^[1] is, you simply did not answer my question. I didn't ask what did you want, or if I could get you anything, I said "How are you?"

Plain and simple. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this out.

Also, don't just assume that by me asking how you are, that I beseeching you to place your order, especially when there is someone in front of you, already ordering.

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1. A Caffe Medici is a doppio ^[2] poured over chocolate sauce with an orange (or lemon) peel, and occasionally whipped cream. A doppio poured over chocolate syrup and orange (and sometimes lemon) peel, usually topped with whipped cream.
2. A Doppio is the dumbass' way of saying a double shot.

Use it.

Do not drain your coffee into the garbage. Like I mentioned earlier about having to deal with the garbage, I'm sure you all can grasp how vile it would be to have to make sure you don't drip wasted coffee onto you.

I've had to dance around leaky bags because people are dipshits and decide to dump the remainder of their drink into the garbage. I say:

Dear morons,

If ye' decide to drain your leaky beverage into nearest trash container, I shall merrily curb stomp your motherfuckin' ass.

Sincerly,

Austen.

Do not leave your dirty dishes on the tables. I find it quite annoying. Crayon on the other hand finds it alright to leave them sitting on the table.

Do not, and I mean DO NOT follow Crayon's words. I would rather have you bring them to me, and I'll take of them.

I have been told before that the cafe is like a restaurant.

That's true. We are like a restaurant, but we're not one. We are not busboys. We are BARISTAS!

So, if you decide to leave your plates on the table...well, I don't know; I think I'll just cut your throat.

People, it's just annoying to have to clean up after you. If you do leave your plates on the table, go shove a dildo up your ass.

This also goes to say that if you want to read something while you're eating, do so. But please, don't open up the porno magazines and leave them lying there on the tables along with your plates. Especially PlayGirl.

As Matt ^[1] once said, "People are fucking pigs." This is quite true.

Let me paint a visual for you: if you're carrying some trash, and you see a full garbage can? Do you...

A. Shrug your shoulders and toss the trash in there anyways.
B. Look around to find another trash can.
C. Ask if I wouldn't mind throwing it away for you.
D. Carry the trash with you.
E. All of the above.

If you chose E, you're a fucktard.

Seriously though, B, C and D are all good choices. Regarding B, there is another trash can within five feet of the first trash can. Here's a little picture I quickly drew to represent this message --

For C, I don't really care if you want me to throw your trash away.

I prefer you following D, because you get to actually take your trash with you out the door, and I don't have to deal with it.

Now, herein lies the problem. Hardly anyone, and I mean anyone ^[2] follows any of the recommended choices. No, they choose to look like dumbasses and dump their trash in a full can.

It gets better. Sometimes both trash cans, see above, are full. Then naturally it seems like it would kick in to not throw your trash in either full trash can. No, they still do it. They keep tossing it on top. Look people, we're not Fresh Kills, we're Seattle's Best.

It could be worse, we could serve alcohol and that would smell like ass. I use to work around alcohol and let's just say I hate the smell; it's like vinegar.

You're a fag. Seriously.

No offense to any homosexuals out there, but if you have no manners whatsoever, you're a dumbfuck.

I hate it when someone orders something from me and has no shred of civility in them. All I ask for is for you to say "Please," or "May I" or even "Can I." But no, people refuse to follow these simple requests and decide to be pricks.

No matter where you are, people will always be assholes.

Hairy assholes.

They will say things like "Give me this," or "Let me have this." Well let me tell you something you cock bleeds, I hate to say this: but at one point in time, I might just stop serving you altogether. If you continue this trend of jackass-ness, I will ask you to leave for good.

Here are a few examples of people like this --

1. The Tea Dude:
   
   One minute he may be discussing something irrelevant with you, the next he will be forcing a large cup into your hands stating he wants hot water. Not cool. Not bloody cool at all. If he asked once in a while, it would be better, but he never does. Never. Sometimes I beat him to the punch and ask for him: "Oh, so you want some hot water too?"
   
   
2. The PetsMart Chick:
   
   Crayon despises her with a passion. This girl is so annoying, my ears bleed every time she utters a word. Her voice is shrill, like chalk on a blackboard on crack. Everything she says is stupid. She is demanding to a point, then she shuts up, realizes she wants something else and continues dribbling on.

If you haven't guessed by now, this specific annoyance is by far my favorite. I have seen many instances where people have completely lost the virute of decorum. I've said this before, but manners are a lost virtue in today's society.

Don't give me a specific temperature for your drink. I really don't care. If you want it hot, it will be hot. If you want it cold, guess what, it'll be cold.

It's not that hard of a concept to wrap your brain around.

I get customers every day who ask for small lattes (or whatever they're drinking) to be steamed to 180 degrees. Well, I don't give a shit. Normally drinks come at 140-160 degrees. I'll make it to about 160-170. No more. I highly, highly doubt that you'll notice the slight difference in temperature. Crayon ^[1] refutes this with:

Crayon: But Austen, I like to order my drink at a hotter temperature, that way it stays warmer for a longer period of time.
Me: Shut up, I'm on a roll here.

So, just to clarify, if you order any temperature > than 160 degrees, I will make it at 160 degrees. Period.

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1. This is where you get to meet Crayon. She is the second senior barista in the cafe, I being the first. She is a large contributor to the handbook, and acts as the future illustrator for any pictures that many soon accompany the posts. She also likes to insult me, which never turn out as an insult, and can juggle the finger. It's amusing. She also has two laughs, one she feigns to everybody and the other she uses to attract dogs, since they are the only thing that can hear it.

If you are ordering a Green Tea ^[1], make sure you clarify that you're not getting a Green Tea Latte. ^[2]

This has happened before multiple times. Every barista that has ever had the displeasure of having to serve both Green Teas and Green Tea Lattes has made this mistake. ^[3]

But say, if a barista just so happens to make this mistake, we insist that you don't become a super bitch and start saying shit like "If I wanted fuckin' milk in my Goddamn Green Tea, I would pay the extra two fuckin' dollars."

Don't make us feel like we're incompetent. We're not. You're just a cock bleed.

There is one man that should be known to baristas everywhere. ^[4] He is somehow able to transport himself to every cafe worldwide. This isn't a joke. It's true.

To be honest, he never specifies between Green Tea and Green Tea Latte. He just wants. There are two different kinds of Green Tea (not Latte); there's Jasmine and China Green Tea. He never wants Jasmine for it "tastes like ass." Well, supposedly, he's been licking assholes for some time now. Naturally, you'd presume he would ask for China Green Tea. He doesn't. He asks for "Green Tea." Sometimes a barista will think that he meant a Green Tea Latte, and thusly make him one. The man then flips ape shit for the sudden increase in price, and begins to belittle and berate the barista. One incident left a barista in tears in the back of the cafe.

Needless to say, the man was never seen again. Some have said that he became the victim of a serial killer. Only God knows.

I personally concur with the former logic.

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1. There are two types of green tea: China and Jasmine. We also use Tazo Tea.
2. The difference in a Green Tea and Green Tea Latte is steamed milk. In a Latte, there is steamed milked, and in a Tea Latte, there is also steamed milk. It also costs more to get the steamed milk. In a Green Tea (not the Latte), there is an absence of milk. It's just tea.
3. Except for Crayon. (See #6, side note #1)
4. We'll call him Green Tea Jackass or GTJ for short.